Every year, every day, mass numbers of people experience domestic violence. Yet despite this, most people still have no idea what domestic violence actually is. What is considered “domestic violence”? Do you need to be hit? There’s so much misunderstanding and so many myths, and this is one of the greatest reasons domestic violence exists – a lack of awareness or ability to identify it when it’s occurring.
Personally, this was my challenge. I was a victim of domestic violence and I had no idea. Instead, I saw my relationship as having it’s “issues.” Then one day, a guest speaker came into my college classroom and there it was – my life on a PowerPoint slide. Everything I’d been going through… one little term explained all of it: domestic violence. Today, awareness is my life’s work, because despite what I once believed, it’s not an issue that I uniquely faced…
Here’s who’s impacted.
Domestic violence is sometimes called intimate partner violence, domestic abuse, dating violence, or relationship abuse. Some even use the term “narcissistic abuse,” however while many abusers may be narcissists, not all narcissists are necessarily “abusive.” (More on that another time).
In the U.S., 1 in 3 teens, 1 in 4 women, and 1 in 9 men will experience domestic violence in their lifetime. Additionally, up to 15.5 million children are exposed to domestic violence annually. Anyone can find themselves in an abusive relationship as domestic violence does not discriminate. It impacts persons of all ages, gender identities, races, religions, beliefs, and socio-economic backgrounds, and it impacts both heterosexual and LGBTQ+ relationships.
But what exactly is “domestic violence”?
Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behaviors, committed by one person in a relationship, in an attempt to maintain power and control. They do this through a wide range of behaviors, and this is where one of the most common misconceptions comes in.
Many think domestic violence requires physical violence. The very word “violence” makes our minds equate domestic violence to physical harm. However, when used to describe “domestic violence,” violence is equated to any behavior that causes one to feel fear. This is not just fear of physical harm, but fear at the idea of simply upsetting their partner based on how they may (or tend to) react.
Domestic violence, therefore, can be physical. However, you do not need to be hit to be in an abusive relationship. In fact, the larger majority of domestic violence victims experience other forms of abuse. This includes emotional, verbal, psychological, and financial. Sexual abuse also may occur within an abusive relationship. All of these are used to induce fear in some way. They are manipulative and belittling. They make the other partner feel like they are going crazy, or like they are constantly walking on eggshells.
Whatever form of abuse is used, all of them aim at the same goal: power and control. If your partner physically hurts you or threatens to hurt you, you are likely going to give in to their demands or do whatever it takes to keep them calm. If your partner lashes out in unexpected mood swings, calls you names, or makes you feel crazy, you are likely going to do everything possible to avoid this.
The point is… an abusive individual will employ a whole variety tactics, using varying forms of abuse, to maintain control (keep you from leaving, keep you from feeling confident, make you feel like things are your fault, etc.).
How do you know if it’s domestic violence or just normal arguing?
Every relationship has its disagreements and arguments. There’s a few indicators that differentiates domestic violence from an unstable, unhealthy relationship. In a domestic violence relationship, there’s a pattern. One person is constantly lashing out or causing problems, while the other feels like they are walking on eggshells, sacrificing their needs and doing everything they can to satisfy their abusive partner.
There’s also a cycle that occurs. Following every outburst (this can range from a punch, to a door slam, to a bad argument), there’s an apology or a phase without any issues. Except soon, it’s just a matter of time before an incident happens again. There will be a sense of tension. The abused partner will almost be able to sense that an episode is coming – and then it does. Then there’s another apology, and things seem okay again, until the cycle repeats itself over and over.
There’s also a whole number of red flags and warning signs. These are traits one might notice in the abusive partner – like trust issues, insecurity, or trying to control certain areas of your life, such as where you work or who you spend time with. There are also traits a person being abused might notice – like becoming isolated from friends, feeling like they are walking on eggshells, or feeling they need to get their partner’s permission on everyday decisions.
How does domestic violence happen though? Why stay with someone who is abusive?
This is important to understand – no one is abusive on date one. This is true for every relationship that turned abusive. In the beginning of a relationship, things often seem normal. They may even seem better than normal. That’s because phase one of any abusive relationship involves an abuser being “charming.” They seem like the perfect partner. Then, the abusive behaviors show up later, once you’re already invested or in love.
When these things start to occur, most will view whatever has happened as an “isolated incident.” However, as mentioned above, this is where the cycle begins. Despite every apology, domestic violence guarantees that there will be another incident.
For many, remembering who their partner was in the beginning – when things were great and they were “perfect” – is what causes them to want to stay. It’s natural to want to work on things, in the hopes that the relationship will eventually return to the way things were. Plus, during that “cycle,” when things are going well, it may even feel like that person is “back again.” This makes it hard to see the truth of who your partner really is.
Additionally, a person will stay with an abusive partner for many reasons. There’s so many, they could never be listed. However, to name a few: Many victims just don’t know they’re victims. They’ve never been hit, so they don’t see it. Some become so manipulated that they believe the abuse is normal, or that they can’t leave, or that they aren’t deserving of anything else. Many learn to “manage” the behaviors, and choose to stay. Others become financially dependent, and some stay because of family dynamics, like sharing children.
The truth is, abuse happens later. This makes it harder to identify and harder to leave.
If a person is experiencing domestic violence, there is help.
Resources are available. Every community has a local domestic violence agency. Sometimes, these are referred to as “shelters,” however they provide free advice, counseling services, transitional supports, and safety planning. There are also confidential and anonymous 24/7 hotlines – local, state, and national. It’s helpful to get objective advice from a professional, and it’s also critical to enlist their help to safely leave an abusive partner.
For help, contact your local domestic violence agency. You can also access the following national resources for information and support.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
www.ndvh.org
National Teen Dating Violence Helpline
1-866-331-9474
www.loveisrespect.org
Text support: Text LOVEIS to 22522
Have questions? Need support? Drop a comment below or ask me.
About:Â Ashley Bendiksen is an expert in domestic violence, teen dating violence, and sexual assault prevention, as well as transforming after abuse. She is a top youth motivational speaker, leadership speaker, and survivor speaker. She also coaches survivors of abuse 1:1. Ashley offers presentations for schools/colleges and educational conferences. She also offers professional development for first responders, victim services providers, and workplaces. Request Ashley to speak.