​What do you do when you feel entirely alone? When being alone starts to feel like a big fat “forever” in your life and you have no idea how to manage or deal with it?  I’m not talking about feeling like no one “gets” you… I’m talking about what it’s like to feel physically and literally alone.

Maybe you’re newly single or you’ve been single for far too long. Maybe you’ve switched jobs or made some big life transition and moved somewhere entirely new. Regardless of how you got there, the point is you’re spending a lot of your time alone and at some point, it can start to drive you crazy.

I know. It’s something I’ve faced in doses, and it’s something I continually hear friends and others struggling with. It’s one of those things where, at first, being alone doesn’t feel too bad at all. But then, out of the blue one day, it can suddenly feel unbearable. You hate it. You hate life. You feel useless, worthless. You find yourself sitting in your apartment staring at walls, eating dinner standing up, drowning in social media feeds for hours, drinking vodka on the rocks. You start talking to yourself until you just want to scream, “I can’t do this one more day!”

 

So what do you do? How do you handle what feels like unbearable alone-ness?

 

From someone who’s been there and come out strong, I have some advice. Six pieces in fact. But first, a brief message on why not handling your alone-ness is a bad idea:

When you’re feeling alone and miserable, you think too much. Worse, you start to become a big bad bully to yourself. This little voice in your head starts to show up all the time and say things that don’t help, like, “Your life is a joke!” You start to think about all the reasons you’re alone and anger festers. Before you know it, that little inner voice becomes so powerful that you start to take sides with that little bully of yours. You say to yourself, “This really is a joke! Why me?! What really is wrong with my life?!” In no time, all of this becomes a real bad thing, because it becomes your disposition – and this doesn’t and won’t help anything. You’ll never attract change or improvement by being convinced you’re destined to suffer or deserving of being alone. Worse, this negative energy will trickle into other parts of your life, making other things feel crappy too. And if you’re going the booze route, those vodkas, or beer, or whatever your drink or drug of choice is, won’t help things either. Alcohol provides a temporary fix. You might feel better falling asleep, but you’ll wake up feeling worse. So… don’t. Together, this creates one big toxic cycle.

You need to be in the right head space and you need to be emotionally strong, because what will fix your situation – is you. Your mindset and perspective on your situation is everything.

Now that you know why you HAVE TO learn to manage being alone (so you don’t die of boredom and misery or self-destruct), let’s talk about how that’s done.

1) Change your thoughts.

Know this… What you think is not reality. It’s just your impatience trying to justify things and validate your impatience and frustration. That little voice in your head is not telling you the truth. It’s just making things worse. Instead, practice positive self-talk. Literally, flip the statements you repeat to yourself. Instead of saying, “I’m going to be alone forever!,” replace the statement with, “This is only temporary.” Negativity breeds more negativity. When you can simply take things for what they are – passing moments in time – it makes it easier to breathe. You’ll still feel impatient (this is normal) and you’ll still want change overnight, but reminding yourself to chill will improve your disposition, and this will then allow the universe to send change-making vibes your way. Remember too, being alone is not the same as being lonely. It might feel like it, but it’s not. It’s only lonely if you choose to make it that way. Flip this statement on and keep reminding yourself of it.

2) Find a hobby and get out.

Schedule something into your routine that requires you to leave home. You could take a daily walk, join a class, get a gym membership, find a Meetup group. Not only will you get out of the house, you’ll connect with people which naturally boosts your mood. Fresh air and human interaction work wonders. Plan these things when you find yourself wallowing the most. If evenings are your most emotionally challenging time, go to the gym in the evenings. There’s nothing worse than starting a long lonely night at 5:00pm.

3) Help someone.

One of the best ways to get out of your own head and have a better grasp on your own problems is to help others. Even if you’re just volunteering to clean up a park, you’ll feel a boost of positivity in your life. I’ve found so much healing through volunteering, even doing the smallest tasks. It’s always felt good to get out and do something purely from the heart, from a place of giving. It helped me heal, cope, and embrace what I actually did have in my life, instead of thinking of what was missing. If you’re not sure where to find an opportunity, stop making excuses. It’s called the search bar.

4) Switch your media.

When you’re feeling low, your choice in music, movies, tv, and web browsing tend to align with this. Stop reading books and articles about depression, stop searching “my life sucks,” stop watching sad movies, stop listening to angry music… Force yourself, even if you hate it, to put on something happy. Watch comedy. Dig up an old home video. Look through photos. Read a self-help book! Read The Happiness Project. Fill your mind with positive media. Don’t add to to how you’re already feeling by getting sucked into a whole world of fear and bitterness.

5) De-stress through writing.

Journaling can be a huge mood fixer. Writing lets you release all those swirling thoughts. It feels good to vent, even if it’s just to a piece of paper. However, writing down a bunch of negative thoughts can sometimes still leave you feeling low. You got to vent, but your mood still stinks. This is why it’s important to be intentional about how you journal. You want to write to feel good after. Write to heal and feel GRATITUDE. When you’re feeling especially frustrated and crazy, do this: Grab a pen and paper, set a timer for 5 minutes, and list all the things in your life you are grateful for. Keep it simple. Don’t think too hard. Just write whatever comes to mind. It could be as silly as “the taco I just bought myself.” Simply list all the things that you’re grateful for. “The roof over my head. My job. My paycheck. The sun that came out today. It’s Friday. My cute niece. Coffee. My bed.” When the timer bings, you’ll feel like a new person. Another great practice is to do this each night before bed.

6) Lift your frequency.

Control the energy that comes your way. How? Two awesome ways. Meditation and visualization. You can do one or both – I don’t care – just pick one.

• First, meditation allows you to shut off negative thoughts (and all thoughts) and most importantly, connect with yourself. I’ve never been one to meditate. Still today, when I know I need to sit down and do it, I’m less than enthused. However, practicing silence, deep breathing, and clearing your mind for 10 minutes each day is super cleansing and centering. I force myself to do it because I’m always glad I did. I feel like a powerhouse after, strong, an unshakeable force. If you’ve never tried it, search “guided meditation” on YouTube or check out the Simple Habit app (my favorite).
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• Second, I highly recommend visualization. This is not woo-woo. Visualization is a powerful and proven strategy, yet so few people ever do it. Seriously, I could write a book on how visualization has allowed me to manifest crazy good things in my life. Visualization works when you desperately need the energy around you to change. If you’ve never done it before, here’s how. Visualization is practiced in two ways – by mentally picturing what you want, and by writing down what you want. First, build the picture. Imagine yourself in the future where you already everything you want. Where are you, what are your surroundings, how do you feel, who’s around you? Close your eyes and really think about it. Feel it as you picture it. Second, write it all down. It’s important to write the story in the present tense, as if it’s already happened, e.g. “I am happy and never feel alone. I can’t even remember what alone felt like. I live in a beautiful home. I have company that visits me regularly. I wake up each day and have someone to talk to over coffee and breakfast. I know my purpose. I no longer feel depressed. I enjoy my life.”  Then, repeat this often – every day if you can. Close your eyes and visualize the picture, then either read what you wrote (or re-write it).  You might feel ridiculous at first, but just trust me and try this. The universe works in funny ways, and it magically works for you when you put out the right vibes. Manifest it, develop patience, and someday look back and see how it all incredibly came together not so long later.

 

Talk to me…

That’s all for this post! I had a hard time narrowing these down – since there’s a lot of techniques, more than you’d think when all feels hopeless! I’d love to know some of YOUR tricks below! What has helped YOU? What do YOU recommend?!