It’s called “the most wonderful time of the year,” but not everyone finds the holiday season joyous, happy, or merry. In fact, for those who have suffered trauma, hardship, or loss, the holidays can feel triggering and unbearable. Trauma, of course, has no specific definition – what one person defines as trauma, another might not. Trauma is simply anything we’ve experienced that has caused us to feel distressed or emotionally unsafe. It’s an experience in our lives that has negatively impacted, wounded, or harmed us.

During the holidays, it’s common to feel heightened emotions around trauma – especially when everyone is so cheerful. Personally, it took me many years to be ‘okay’ during the holiday season. I’d watch the calendar in panic and dread “December 23rd” coming around again. It brought back too many memories of the night I feared I might lose my life to my abusive partner. All the holiday senses and smells were triggering to me. It also seemed to be a day that holiday cheer was on high, and I just couldn’t balance my emotions against everyone else’s.

Thankfully, I’ve learned to re-love the holidays again. I’ve learned the tools to manage my own holiday trauma triggers, and continually use them to work through painful and difficult moments. Further, as a healing and empowerment coach, I now help my clients employ these exact skills too.

If you’re feeling anxious or experience holiday-associated trauma, the good news is that you CAN manage it.

Here are my 9 best tips for managing holiday trauma or anxiety during the holidays.

1. It’s okay not to feel joyful and happy.

This is paramount. It’s okay to feel different from everyone else. Many of us feel guilty or try to put on a happy face. Instead, embrace what’s really going on and find acceptance for it. How you’re feeling is a valid and natural response to what you’ve been through. Know and consistently tell yourself that it’s okay to feel how you feel. Forgive yourself for not feeling cheerful, know there is nothing wrong with you, and remind yourself that time will heal.

2. Be aware of your triggers.

A trigger is anything that produces an emotional reaction. When it comes to trauma, triggers are things that make you feel emotionally unsafe, anxious, or distressed. Triggers are often sensory and involve things like smells, sounds, certain people, or a certain environment. Around the holidays, trauma triggers can be heightened since there are so many recurring sensory elements to the season – songs, smells, decorations, family members, etc. Knowing your trauma triggers in advance can help you to prepare. If you don’t know your triggers, that’s okay too. In this case, it’s simply about recognizing them when they occur. From here, you can make choices to protect your emotional wellbeing. For example, you might decide to avoid a certain party or avoid a triggering holiday movie.

It’s even more important to recognize trauma triggers for what they are – just triggers. Triggers occur when something reminds us of a traumatic memory. Subconsciously, our brain doesn’t know whether the trauma is happening in real time or not, which is why our emotions can then kick into high gear. It can feel like we are re-living the traumatic event. This is where our conscious mind needs to come in. We need to pause and confirm that trauma is likely not happening, no danger is present, and nothing bad is about to happen. Emotionally, it just feels that way. If you can simply recognize triggers, you can pause, get present, and choose how to respond – from a grounding and breathing practice, to simply leaving the environment.

3. You have a choice, always – if you need space, take it.

Don’t force yourself into social situations and gatherings if you really don’t want to. People will often try to tell you it will “help.” It also might not. Know yourself. If you need space, take it. Say it calmly. Your loved ones will respect your wishes if you are completely honest. This becomes even more important when family members are emotionally toxic or act as trauma triggers. It’s critical to practice setting boundaries that protect your emotional wellbeing. You might decline an invite or put a time limit on your visit. If you feel uncomfortable setting boundaries, honest and open communication can ease the tension. Also, remember to be clear and firm about your needs. This can help reduce re-traumatization and it’s an important step towards reclaiming your life and practicing self-care.

4. Make self-care a priority.

The holiday season can be emotionally and mentally draining for anyone. However, if you’re experiencing or reminded of trauma during the holiday season, exhaustion and anxiety increases. When triggered, many turn to “quick fix” unhealthy coping mechanisms. It’s critical to make self-care paramount during this time – even if that feels hard. Focus on rest, getting enough sleep, eating healthy, and moving your body. When feeling triggered, try meditation, or other breathing and grounding techniques. Most importantly, participate in activities that bring you joy – from reading to music or taking a walk. Take ownership over the holiday season, versus it owning you.

5. Create your own holiday traditions.

Do your own thing. Find something that makes you happy. Often, life is about re-inventing and re-envisioning what no longer works. We may outgrow people or certain traditions and pastimes. Take time to build new traditions that align with who you are, what you enjoy, and what brings you peace. Personally, I started bundling up and going to the beach every Christmas morning after my trauma. I embraced my desire to just be alone, breathe, and reflect. I’d set aside quiet time to make tea, write, and read. This little ritual saved me for many years. In fact, I still do it. I tell my family/friends that I need to take off for a while, and then I come back later. Everyone says okay. Make your own tradition and make it yours.

6. Try not to resent others for their happiness.

It’s easy to resent others who are milling about joyfully. Their happiness, energy, and celebratory holiday attitude can feel like a stark contrast against yours when you’re struggling with unwanted emotions and traumatic memories. You may want to scream, “Well f*** all of you for being so happy! You didn’t get assaulted! You have a parent on Christmas!,” etc. Remember, it’s not their fault they haven’t been hurt. It’s also not their fault that they can’t understand or empathize with you. It’s hard for others to empathize unless they’ve been through a similar experience or trauma of their own. Advice can be unhelpful, feel ignorant, or insensitive. Just remember, intention is what counts. Typically, all mean well, even if it frustrates or infuriates you. And if you struggle to stay calm, just set a boundary and create space.

7. Trust that things will get better with time.

Trauma isn’t something you heal from overnight. Healing from trauma can take years or a lifetime. However, our thoughts are powerful. How we think about our trauma can transform our experience managing it. It’s common to want to focus on the negative, but this doesn’t support our ability to transcend what we’ve experienced. Optimism is critical. Start by actually telling yourself, “It will get better. I just need time.” Positive affirmations allow space for forgiveness, self-love, and faith. And when the time is right, everything will change. It might take one year, five, ten, or longer, but it will happen. With the passage of time, pain doesn’t ever go away, but it does lessen. And the more it lessens, the more you find the power to regain control over your life and better manage your holiday/everyday trauma triggers.

8. Avoid turning to alcohol or other ways to self-medicate.

Let’s face it, the holidays can be surrounded by anxiety, crowded parties, isolation, and endless supplies of alcohol. Alcohol and other substances are often used to “escape” or “feel numb.” It can seem like a tempting remedy to drown out anxiety, fit in, or speak up. However, alcohol is a depressant which will trigger a downward spiral and cause more damage than good. It also impairs your cognition, which can lead to all kinds of unhelpful decisions (and words). You might fight with people, act irrationally, or feel more miserable. Additionally, alcohol can increase feelings of depression or self-harm. Prepare ahead of time by making a commitment not to over-drink, or drink at all. Not drinking delivers the promises that you think alcohol will give you. Be conscious and mindful. Drink tea or occupy your hand with another non-alcoholic beverage. This also helps you embody a powerful sense of self-control and empowerment.

9. Remember, you are never alone. Support is out there.

Dealing with holiday-associated trauma or triggers at any time, isn’t easy. It can feel really isolating. It can feel impossible. However, there is always support available to you. For some, it’s friends, family, and loved ones. For others, this isn’t an option. Yet, there’s still support out there. Service providers offer support 24/7. There are experienced professionals who are highly trained, experienced, and can understand what you’re going through. These professionals can help you practice and employ trauma-management skills to use during the holidays or anytime of the year. Utilize resources in your community, or even ones online, so that you don’t try to navigate holiday trauma or the season alone.

These 9 tips are just some of the ways you can manage holiday-associated trauma. Of course, knowing what to do doesn’t necessarily mean the job is easy. Trauma is a real and challenging experience to work through. Continue to practice self-love and forgiveness. Give yourself grace. Sometimes, I’m still a hot mess. But I forgive myself for it. I remind myself it was never my fault. And you should too.

Please share this article if you found it helpful. Let me know YOUR best coping tips in the comments. Tag me on social with your best takeaways @ashleybendiksen. You can also work with me by learning about my coaching programs here. holiday trauma