It’s deemed “the most wonderful time of the year,” but not everyone finds the holidays joyous, happy, or merry. In fact, for those who have suffered trauma, hardship, or loss, the holidays can feel triggering and unbearable.

It took me years to be ‘okay’ during the holiday season. I’d look at the calendar every year in panic and dread “December 23rd” coming around again. It always brought back too many memories of the day feared I might lose my life. It also seemed to be a day that holiday cheer was on high, and I just couldn’t take it. I couldn’t balance out my feelings against what seemed to be everyone else’s.

Gratefully, I’ve learned to re-love the holidays again. Yes it’s taken time, but I’ve learned to slowly incorporate things like ‘sharing my space,’ and seeing family, and drinking to simply be merry. I no longer dread the holidays. I no longer drink to forget. I no longer cry myself to sleep, nor wake on Christmas morning and dream of just running away from the world.

But here’s the truth… I still have every reason to feel that way. I was severely attacked on December 23rd by my abuser. Blinking Christmas lights still, without fail, trigger thoughts of me scrubbing pools of blood off of my apartment floors and walls. I can still smell our apartment and remember how it felt when he pinned me to the hardwood floor and strangled me. I can still remember the feeling that it was over, that he’d come back to kill me, that I actually hadn’t made it nor survived at all. For years, Christmas became a season consumed by flashbacks of fear, police stations, courtrooms, pain and emptiness.

But as much as I’ve slowly grown past that, now there’s even more… I no longer even have a mother to spend the holidays with. If memories of terror weren’t enough, the loss of one’s mother, decades before you should ever lose a mum, is enough to make the holidays feel completely un-faceable. The now empty seat at every dinner party. The four of us instead of five. The very real lack of interest in doing anything at all like you once did, like filling stockings or even exchanging gifts.

So the question follows… how does one feel happy? It’s a question easier answered than done. It’s taken me time to control my pain. Today, I am finally and truly filled with immeasurable joy. I’m hopeful and inspired by the season. Despite all the pain, trauma, and loss, I’ve found gratitude for for the good I have. I’m grateful for my life. I’m grateful just to smile. I am grateful to no longer be afraid. I am grateful for the family I still do have. Heck, I’m grateful to enjoy the sound of Christmas music again, and buying and decorating a tree. Most importantly, I am grateful it is always a new Christmas, which means, I have the power to make it whatever I want it to be. Yes, I’ve taken back power over my holiday. I no longer allow the world to dictate how I feel or whether I will enjoy life or not.

For those who are happy and surrounded by love, be extraordinarily thankful. For many, it’s hard to imagine the Christmas season being anything but magical. The idea of isolation from one’s family, of a fight for life or death, of unbearable depression and unhappiness, is without grasp. Empathize with those around you may not feel the same, give them space, and then, yes, be extraordinarily thankful for what you have.

And for those who are grieving, suffering, or feeling defeated this holiday season, find faith in the fact that things will get better – but know that ‘better’ starts with allowing that thought to creep in. Have faith. Make today yours. Make it what you need it to be. Take all the time you need, and trust that things will get better with time. It may never perfect, but the pain will lighten and lessen year after year. And when pain lessens, you finally find the power within you to control it.

I hope this last part is a gift, in some way. I hope it truly helps you. Here’s my six dearest pieces of advice and things to remember, for anyone suffering and trying beat the holiday blues…

1. It’s okay to not be happy.

   It’s okay to feel different from everyone else. Own it. Tell yourself it’s okay. Embrace and accept it. And remind yourself that time will heal.

2. If you need space, take it – and tell your loved ones you’re doing so.

   Don’t force yourself into social situations and gatherings if you really don’t want to. People will try to tell you it will help. It might not. Know yourself. If you need space, take it. Say it calmly. Your loved ones will respect your wishes if you are completely honest.

3. Create your own holiday tradition.

   Do your own thing. Find something that makes you happy. For me, I started bundling up and going to the beach every Christmas morning, just to be alone, breathe, and reflect. I’d take some quiet time to make tea, write, and read. This little ritual saved me every year. In fact, I still do it. I tell my family/friends that I need to take off for a while, and then I come back later. Everyone says okay. Make your own tradition and make it yours.

4. Don’t resent others for their happiness.

   It’s easy to want to scream, “Well f*** all of you for being so happy! You didn’t get assaulted! You have a mom on Christmas!” It’s not their fault they haven’t been hurt. It’s also not their fault that they can’t understand or completely empathize with you. Until you’ve been destroyed, you can’t understand what it feels like. They all mean well, even if it annoys the heck out of you.

5. Trust that things will get better in their own time.

   Start by actually telling yourself this. Say, “It will get better. I just need time.” And when the time is right, everything will change. It might take one year, or five, or ten, but it will happen. With the passage of time, pain doesn’t go away, but it does lessen. And when it lessens, you find the power to control it.

6. Don’t drink too much. Seriously.

   It won’t help. In fact, it will make everything worse. You’ll fight with people, act unfairly, and feel more miserable. You might even wish you were dead. And that’s not a good thing at all. Drinking is a temporary fix. Not drinking delivers the promises that you think alcohol will give you. Just try it and trust me. Drink coffee and tea. Just hold yourself together.

Are you hurting? If you need immediate attention, call 911. For anonymous, 24/7 support and guidance, you may contact the following:

• The National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
• National Dating Abuse Helpline, 1-866-331-9474
• National Sexual Assault Hotline, 1-800-656-4673 (HOPE)
• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1-800-273-8255 (TALK)

About: Ashley Bendiksen is a top youth motivational speaker and prevention educator. A survivor speaker and renowned expert in teen dating violence, domestic violence, and sexual assault prevention, Ashley is available as a speaker for middle schools, high schools, colleges, and youth conferences for both students and adults who serve them. She is also a professional development speaker for first responders, victim services providers, and workplaces. Request Ashley to speak.