Ever feel like the person you’re with just isn’t treating you right? Feel like you’re on an emotional roller coaster? Trying to figure out how to handle or manage it all? Feeling a bit trapped? … The person you’re dating might be abusive. Here’s 13 signs that the person you’re dating has an abusive personality.

1. Wants to Be With You Nonstop

At first, it might seem sweet or even normal that your partner wants to be around you all the time. Eventually, however, they can suddenly want to be around you all the time – to the point where it feels suffocating. They want to be with you constantly. If you indicate going out with friends, they’ll suggest a double date instead 0r they’ll openly show their disappointment. Sometimes, this is simply indicating they were hoping that they’d get to see you… In short, when you’re not working, or in class, or doing anything significant, they want you to spend your time with them.

2. Jealousy and Insecurity

Your partner might always be checking in, monitoring your whereabouts, asking where you’re going and who you are with. They’ll ask about your other friends, especially those of the same gender, and even demand that you “unfriend” a person, or stop talking to someone. They may follow you around, surprise you at work, or troll your social media. They might even question why you’re home late (even if it’s just minutes), or check your car mileage! They might accuse you of cheating, or worry you will cheat, and constantly say they are afraid you may leave them.

3. Controlling Behaviors

Very subtly, your partner may control you under the guise of “caring” or being “worried.” This ties back to wanting to be around you nonstop. They may expect you to constantly be in touch with them, or tell them your plans. They may control your money, how you spend your time, and who you’re friends with. They might expect you to ask permission before you do certain things. They may even accuse you of being unable to make smart decisions, and put you down, saying they are only “looking out for you.”

4. Quick to Commit

In the beginning, things move quick. The person you’re dating may want to jump into a relationship almost immediately. It feels too good to be true, perfect even, and they tell you this. They shower you with compliments, and gifts, and feelings of love and belonging – and then they quickly ask you to become their partner. If you’re not ready, they might even pressure you until you feel you have to say yes.

5. Need to Isolate

They may, over time, pull you away from things in your life so that they become the center of most of your daily activities. They might put down your family or friends, and get upset when you spend time with them. They may dislike you going out with co-workers or being in places without them. They may put down your job, or your boss, or prevent or delay you from getting to work or school so that you will simply quit (and have more time for them). They might not let you use the phone without them nearby. They might offer to drive you everywhere. Eventually, you no longer have a moment away from them and they’ve somehow taken all of your resources away.

6. Easily Shifts Blame / It’s All Your Fault

Your partner may get easily upset, or experience difficulties in their life, yet they rarely take ownership or responsibility. They may blame their boss, co-workers, family, friends, roommate – or you. When things go wrong in your relationship, they always make you feel as if it’s your fault. Every argument is somehow because of something you’ve done. They make you feel bad, or somehow responsible, for what they’re dealing with. They might even get upset at you out of the blue, leaving you entirely confused.

7. Always Feels Attacked

The person you’re dating might always feel attacked – by you or by anyone. If you try to talk to them, they think you are blaming them or being unfair. In fact, everything seems to be ‘unfair’ to them. They think that you don’t care. They think their boss doesn’t value them. Everything is some big injustice being done to them, even in the smallest, most unimportant of circumstances.

8. Disrespectful or Cruel to Others

Maybe you feel respected (maybe), but you can’t help but notice how unreasonable they are to others – particularly animals or children. They may have high, unreasonable expectations. They might bully and tease others until they cry. They may discipline or show reprimand in loud, scary, and even violent ways. They may even literally be cruel towards animals, e.g. they may push, kick, punch, or throw a pet, or even simply threaten to hurt or kill a pet.

9. Denies Stories of Being Abusive in Past

They certainly won’t admit to this, but perhaps you’ve heard that they mistreated a partner in the past. In most cases, they will lie to you and come up with some story or excuse to explain what you’ve heard. They may turn the tables and say that their ex was the abusive partner, or simply that they were “crazy.” They’ll ask if you trust them, and explain that you shouldn’t listen to everything you hear.

10. Split Personality / Short Fuse

One minute they are wonderful, and the next they explode. They may exhibit sudden mood swings out of nowhere. You feel like you are always walking on eggshells. You never know when they might suddenly get upset or why. It’s like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. One minute they are loving and gentle and you feel safe, and the next they are loud, scary, and angry, or sad and depressed.

11. Puts You Down

Whenever you have something good going on, or something to celebrate, they may find a reason to minimize it. When you try to dress up nice, they may question your outfit, ask who you’re dressing for, or tell you that you look terrible. They might make fun of your appearance, or your friends, or your career, or your daily life choices. They tend to criticize pretty much everything you do, to the point where you start losing confidence and doubting your overall worth.

12. Disrespects Your Belongings

In moments of anger, or in an attempt to put you down or feel in control, they may disrespect your belongings. In an argument, they might throw your things. They might threaten to destroy your possessions, like your car. They might minimize what you own. They also might take advantage of your possessions, your money, and your space. They might take advantage of the money you earn, ask to use your car, or expect to hang out at your place whenever they want.

13. Controls With ‘Fear of Violence’

They may never touch you, but they may do other things to make you feel unsafe. When arguing while driving, they may drive erratically and make you feel scared. They might throw objects around in a fit. They might punch a wall, slam a door, or yell at the top of their lungs. This kind of explosive anger instills the ‘fear of violence’ which results in you complying with whatever they want to keep yourself safe.

 

How are you feeling?

The above personality and behavior traits are major red flags. Feel torn in your relationship? You’re not alone. In fact, people that act like all of this above, can also act really sweet and loving on other days. When you’re in a committed relationship, you learn to understand and empathize with your partner’s struggles. You want to help them and stand by their side. You’re committed. You love them!

Unfortunately, these red flags mean things will only get worse. It’s not even necessarily their fault. At some point in their lives, they have learned that these behaviors are normal responses in life. They’ve learned that they are appropriate behaviors in a relationship — but they’re not. You won’t be able to change this, ever. They have to want to change themselves. And even at that, it’s a seriously long process.

It’s not always the easiest decision, but it’s the smart and ‘right’ decision to leave someone who is abusive. When you stay, you put yourself in escalated danger (I know). Consider this article a gift of awareness. From here, you can start to decide what to do. In any case, talk to someone and seek help. You deserve love and someone like this can’t give it to you. “This too shall pass….”

 

---

If you are experiencing ANY of the above behaviors, you may be a victim of abuse… Things will only progress and get worse. You may not feel ready to leave. You may want to keep trying. However, acknowledging your situation at least allows you to be more self-aware. For real-time help, call any anonymous hotline for free and confidential advice – local, state, or national.

 

---

 

 

About: Ashley Bendiksen is a nationally acclaimed speaker, activist, author, and subject matter expert in domestic violence, teen dating violence and sexual assault prevention. She speaks to high school and college students, educators and youth service providers, as well as first responders, law enforcement, victim services, and corporate audiences. She is also a survivor keynote speaker for major events. View Ashley’s talks:  for students and schools  ///  for professionals and conferences.